Four Months In
Month Four has come and gone! What a fabulous month it was! I spent my time traveling around Colombia and loved every minute of it.
Month Four is the month in which I finally found my rhythm. I fully enjoyed each and every day – even the few that I spent in bed, swaying and trying to get used to land again. The main struggles that I had at the beginning of my trip – feeling alone, stressing when moving from one city to the next, making friends, not knowing what to do with my time – are gone. The prospect of moving on to a new city and meeting new travelers and having new adventures excites me. My friendships are easier to form and stronger in a shorter amount of time. Maybe it is a new comfort with traveling. Maybe it is a new comfort with myself. Whatever it is, I like it!
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At the end of my fourth month, I had a taste of home as my parents and I reunited in Lima, Peru for a few days. Our reunion was a sort of barometer for the changes that have occurred within myself during my travels. The most outstanding difference is that I have found a comfort with myself that I have never experienced before and for which I have yearned. It is calming and freeing. It is a RELIEF!
And with this relief comes the fear. Of course, right? Fear and worry. I fear that these changes are situational. I worry that part of my temporary transition into the real world of work and the Bay Area and “normal life” will also include a rebound to my former stress and impatience and insecurities. I fear that I lose the balance that I have fought so hard to attain.
While on the sailboat from Panama to Colombia, a group of us were talking about adapting to life on the road. Musing aloud and without much thought, I said, “I wonder what it is going to be like to be to fit back into my life.” One of the other travelers remarked, “Isn’t it ironic that you are wondering how you will ‘fit back” into your life? It’s your life but you have to learn how to fit it.” I slowly nodded and so did the others as we realized this struck a chord with us all. How DO we go back to our lives after traveling?
The fact is that I am finally good at this backpacking thing. I am enjoying every day, whether it is a good or bad day. I am grateful for every opportunity and saying “yes” much more often than “no.” My head is clear, my heart is balanced, and my muscles are stronger. Basically, life is good on the road. But my life on the road is temporary. Before my trip, I was stressed, lost, not present, and unhealthy. I was happy but it was fleeting and based on the situation or the moment. I now know that that is not life. That is survival.
Don’t get me wrong - I am beyond excited to return to the Bay! I want to hug my friends and family, to have conversations and share a glass of wine with those I love most, to tickle my nephew and hear his newest words, to return to a job that both challenges and rewards me. If there is one thing I have learned during my travels, it is that fear and worry are a waste of time and energy. So this confession is all the recognition I am going to give to my fear. Rather, I am going to enjoy the heck out of my time at home; celebrating the bright times and breathing through the trying ones. I will hold myself accountable to the lessons learned thus far: gratefulness, openness, understanding, and being present. Though I will not be traveling, the journey still continues, and for that, I am thankful and ready.